After reading ViolentSpasms’ review of Burnout Paradise I had to wonder if we were playing the same game.  I have played every previous version of Burnout and loved every single one of them – each one more then the previous – this new iteration however is no where close to what I was hoping for.  I began to write a comment to express my feelings, but it turns out my displeasure at this game far exceeds the limits of a comment post.

As ViolentSpasms has already described the game and the positives within – it’s Burnout, the crashes are amazing, and the map is huge and completely open from the start – I will skip to the problems. Let me begin by saying this … I agree with all of ViolentSpasms’ complaints, but they warrant more explanation and cause more pain then suggested. Also, DJ Atomika should die a horrible death – bring back Crash mode, put Atomika in the intersection and let me land an exploding school bus on his self-righteous ass.

Showtime mode, the replacement to Crash mode is a waste. Gone are the days of having friends over, with or without any video game skills, handing them a remote and having a good time in crash mode. Instead we have at any point the opportunity to cause massive damage with a bouncing car that can travel unending distances if you can maintain your boost meter. Sure it’s a good time and causes humorous scenes, however going back to try and best your score in the same situation is impossible – therefore attempting to play anytime of party type crash mode is limited to Burnout Revenge.

Race mode takes some serious focus – the map is uselessly small and overrun with roads that may or may not intersect your current route – so instead you’re forced to watch for turn signals that seem to always come just a little too late, or make a guess often times resulting in you driving off the wrong direction. Which brings me to my next point … where’s the restart race option? Yes I’ve f’d up … yes I’m in eighth traveling in the wrong direction on train tracks that don’t go anywhere near where I need them to. Now I have to finish the race or destroy my car and then drive back to the intersection where I started the race in order to try it again. Sure you could pull up a large map to see where to go (kinda) but you can’t select the event and automatically go there. If I’ve already opened the event why can’t I go back automatically.

Stunt Runs also seem to be mostly a waste of time.  Find a jump, get some points, return and repeat.  It’s fun the first or second time around and then it becomes repetitive.  If nothing else though it’s an easy way to get a win if you need one more to get your next license.   I can’t help but think that there was still plenty of room for a Crash mode which these two new modes – or better yet, don’t break that which made the series.

Have I mentioned my hatred of DJ Atomika yet?  Who did the writing for this guy, and worse yet who approved it all.  Some of his comments are just atrocious and the fact that they all end with DJ Atomika reminding us who he is makes me want to find him and smash his face with the remnants of a dead 360.  Oh and don’t try to interrupt him by starting an event … he won’t have it – you have to finish listening before anything else can occur.

All in all the game is entertaining for what it does – drive real fast and plow into shit.  That said, it’s a rental.  You can get everything you need out of this game in a weekend.

Atomika out …

Let me start by saying, Burnout Paradise is what I always wanted the Burnout franchise to become and didn’t know it. Paradise is a beautifully put together sandbox city with the ability to disorient and lose the player in its wonder. The player has the ability to go from free roam, to race, to stunt, to time-trial, and ‘showtime’ at the drop of a hat.

From the first time the game is loaded, the player has the entire map available to them. This is different from any sandbox game I have played. Having the full map at the ready from the onset can be a bit overwhelming. The only thing to keep you from a potentially disastrous beginning in Paradise City is that the game limits the traffic based upon a license system. Complete different events, your choice as to which ones, and level up your license. Completing events also unlock cars, some of which you have to chase down when see them in Paradise City and put them into the wall to obtain them. If you get bored with busting the computer up, get your friends into the game.

Players can connect to others online quite seamlessly. The little bit of online that I played worked quite well, now I just need some people that I know to get it so I can fully explore some of the extras. One extra that Burnout Paradise takes advantage of, that I can’t wait to try, is the camera. If you have a USB camera you will have your picture snapped as you are crashed or after a victory for your friends to see. And as a little cherry on top, Criterion went ahead and came up with a solution to not having an in game XMB on the PS3 and seamlessly integrated online functionality without having to leave the game. A nice touch that keeps you wrapped up in the experience. Unfortunately, that experience can at times be as irritating as a sandpaper handjob.

For all the praise I have for this game, there are a few things in the game that could have been better. The ability to retry a race would be nice, but this also forces you to learn the city, so it is forgivable. The map in the bottom right is worthless. I don’t even bother to look at it any more. Not having a Crash mode in a Burnout game is something I can only wonder about, it just doesn’t feel like a complete Burnout game without it. But, the most heinous mistake in the game is not being able to turn off the DJ.

I don’t know what about this voice bothers me more, what he says or how he says it? Whatever it is, the announcer for the game has the uncanny ability to make me want to toss my controller into my TV and break everything in my vicinity. Please Criterion, release a patch so I can shut this douche off (I will forgive all other flaws in the game).

When I say flaws, I should probably state them as minor imperfections. To anyone that enjoyed any of the Burnout games prior, I wholeheartedly recommend this game to you. Beautiful graphics, expletive inducing crashes, and no-load times await you in Paradise City.

As the release date of one of the most highly anticipated games on the Wii draws near, Nintendo dropped a bombshell, Super Smash Brothers Brawl will include demos of VC games! Yippee? Yay? Whatever? This has to be the lamest, most shameless marketing ploy I have ever heard. Are we expected to be excited that we can play a few minutes of a 20 year old game? We should be able to do this anyways in the shop channel. It is the least Nintendo can do to engage the fans that they are gouging for VC games. You know why they do not do it? Because people would see what crap these old games really are. Aside from the rare classic like Mario 64 or Super Metroid, most of these games are not even playable anymore. I never played Tecmo Bowl after purchasing it and I wasted many a childhood day zig zagging across the luscious turf of the Tecmo Bowl. So, why would I care to play 5 minutes of Ice Climber? Don’t get me wrong, I think including full retro games is a great idea… When they did it 5 years ago in Animal Crossing.

I have an idea for Nintendo. I know what would be a nice addition to Super Smash Brothers Brawl. How about voice chat? The lack of voice chat is so utterly ridiculous that I think even if they announced it, there would be a collective sigh from the community. More of an, “It’s about time” than a “Alright, I am going to have to get this game now!”. I am not sure, but I think I was playing online games with voice chat 8 years ago. No joke, so this puts Nintendo at least 8 years behind in online gaming. For this reason, I have vowed to not purchase an online title for Wii until it supports voice chat.

If innovation Nintendo wants, how about this. Unlockable content for your mii characters. This could be pretty neat, similiar to achievements but not blatantly copying them. How about a gold Mario hat for your mii for getting all the stars on Mario Galaxy, or a Samus suit for finishing Metroid. These are the kinds of things Nintendo needs to be doing. If I can think of such stuff why can’t Nintendo and their marketing teams? You know they have some skilled marketing. They have somehow managed to convince people that 5 minute advertising for overpriced, 20 year old games is news worthy.

Last summer an interesting discussion took place on one of the forums I read about a new accessory for the Xbox 360. It was a keyboard for the controller. I was immediately interested. Lots of people were. No longer would we have to use the clunky onscreen system to send messages or enter codes. And then someone posted a photo of the thing. It fit very neatly on the bottom of the cordless controller and it looked great. I knew I’d have to try one. The Messenger Kit was slated for a fall release.

And then, as happens in my life so often, Fall came and I forgot about it. But the Messenger Kit appeared in the forums again as Christmas approached. My family is always bugging me for gift ideas so I thought I would give them one. I never know what to tell them. This year I did. Mass Effect and the Messenger Kit. Well, I got Mass Effect. If I wanted the keyboard I’d have to go get it myself. And the day after Christmas I did just that.

I loaded the boys in the family truckster and headed off to Circuit City. What a great day to be at Circuit City. The rest of the city was there too. It was awesome. Not. But the kids each had a pile of cash and gift cards they were determined to spend on the gadgets and games that didn’t find their way under the Christmas tree. The same was true for me. But I didn’t have a pile of cash. Most of mine was blown before Christmas.

The kids did their shopping and I did mine. The Messenger Kit was located and purchased. After it was finally installed on my controller I immediately asked how I ever lived without it. This thing is great. It’s everything I hoped it would be. The Messenger Kit keyboard actually does fit very nicely on the controller. It is a very firm fit. It does not wiggle or wobble in the least. It takes a little effort to install and remove it but both tasks are rather easily completed in a short time. The keyboard quality seems very good. I certainly think it is of the same caliber as any decent phone or PDA thumb board. The keys just feel good when tapped. A special headset is bundled in the kit. It plugs into the bottom on the keyboard. The headset seems to be identical to the OEM set bundled in the Xbox 360 Premium system. With two exceptions. The plug is configured differently to fit into the keyboard instead of the controller and the mute switch/volume dial is located in the cord.

Obviously there is added weight when the keyboard is installed. But it’s not bad. I got used to it very quickly. It’s not even noticeable to me now. It was a little tougher to get used to the mute/volume control installed in the cord. In fact, I haven’t gotten used to it. It’s probably not that big an issue but I am so used to being able to mute the mic or adjust the volume on the old set up without looking. With these controls on the cord I find myself having to fumble and look for it to make an adjustment. At worst, it’s a mild agitation. The benefits of this kit far outweigh this inconvenience.

For me this was a great purchase. It is very good quality combined with great convenience. All for a $30 price tag. I’m sold on Messenger Kit.

In case you haven’t heard, 3 dill holes down in Texas have decided to sue Microsoft over the recent network outages on Xbox Live.  OK, so suing Microsoft is nothing new.  But I’m really thinking these “plaintiffs” must be habitual glue sniffers.  Stupidity and ignorance of this magnitude cannot possibly be a natural occurrence.  Or can it?  It has to be chemically induced.  Doesn’t it?

 Over the last week or so I have been getting some chuckles while reading some comments in various blogs and forums on the web.  There are many stories not unlike my own.  Stories about how that mean ‘ol Grinch (Microsoft) stole our Christmas happiness (Xbox Live).  The first thought that came to my mind was,”You must have a pretty great life if this is the only thing you have to bitch about.”   But I backed off just a little bit on my original sentiment.  My family suffered through the same network outage as the rest of you did.  My kids got Xbox Live Gold Membership cards as gifts along with a few new games.  They were so excited to get their codes entered and to get online to mix it up with their friends.  But it wasn’t to be.  There were network problems. We managed to get the codes entered before the Live network onslaught reached it’s peak and we started experiencing trouble.  You know the rest of the story.  Lousy game play IF you could stay connected long enough to get into a game. Not being able to recover Gamer Tags.  You get the idea.  I didn’t know what was wrong right away but I sure had a good idea.  The Christmas season had overwhelmed Xbox Live and most of us suffered some sort of consequence.  Some of us worse than others.  Like most of you, I was a little agitated.  Who wouldn’t be?  It soon became clear that this was a big problem.  It was not something the Microsoft engineers would be fixing in a few hours.  And I had a really peeved 10 year old to deal with. 

 I have to tell you, that 10 year old dealt with this better than all of the potty mouths on the various forums.  And he is dealing with it WAY better than the 3 aforementioned dill holes in the Lone Star State. Probably because he has not been sniffing glue.

 Here is a fact of life. Mechanical, technical and electronic things do break.  Sometimes they wear out or become outdated.  Eventually, at some point, they will become over burdened and cease to function as intended.  Yes, planning and maintenance can delay this.  Upgrading to newer and better equipment will do the same.  We can argue until we are blue in the face about Microsoft not being prepared for this contingency. Could they have known?  Should they have known? Did they know?  In the end it really doesn’t matter does it? Maybe Microsoft should have expected this.  But they didn’t. We still had this network problem that needed to be fixed.  And Microsoft fixed it.  For the most part. I understand it is still a work in progress and it will no doubt take some time and a lot of money for Microsoft to get the network where they think it needs to be.  But for now my service is as good as it was before Christmas.  And honestly, that’s pretty damn sweet.

I really have no doubt at all that Microsoft will spare no expense to keep Xbox Live head and shoulders above their competition.  The glue sniffers will obviously disagree.  But then again they probably don’t have more than 2 functioning brain cells left to rub against each other.  The reason I have so much confidence is simple.  Anyone with 10 or more remaining brain cells can understand it. IT’S JUST GOOD BUSINESS.  Yes, it really is that simple.  Microsoft is slaughtering the other gaming console competition.  Do you think they want to keep it that way? You bet they do. It keeps the cash rolling in.  And when the cash rolls in we get better and better service.  In my estimation Xbox Live is a huge part of this puzzle.  Consumers are buying Xbox 360′s because of Xbox Live. If that were not true why would XBL have 10 million subscribers willing to pay for an online gaming service?  They could buy a PS3 and join the PSN for free.  Why don’t they?  Anyone with the requisite number of remaining brain cells is free to answer that question. 

 In the past couple of years Microsoft has done a pretty good job of taking care of it’s Xbox 360 customers.  Admittedly, the first consoles were severely flawed.  But when they broke they were replaced or repaired.  They even extended the warranty from one to three years for the “Red Rings of Death” failure. And to top it off Microsoft refunded a boat load of cash to those who paid them to fix their faulty 360′s. You can argue that it was their own fault for releasing the 360 too early.  And maybe they did.  But what I have described above appears to me to be top notch customer service. As I write this I am waiting for my third replacement 360.  So I’ve dealt with Microsoft. More than I would like.  And maybe we didn’t always like the way they wanted to take care of us or the manner in which they took care of us.  I know I didn’t.  Especially when I spoke to a customer service agent I couldn’t understand.  But I was always made whole in the end.  To say that Microsoft knew this Live disaster could happen but wanted to take a wait and see posture is just plain stupid.  Microsoft has had enough PR trouble.  PR trouble can seriously hurt your bottom line.  If this company had any inkling this would happen I truly think they would have taken immediate action.  They made superb preparations for the release of Halo 3.  They surely would have done the same for the Christmas overload on Live.  Microsoft is responsible to make money for it’s share holders.  The best way to do that is to properly care for their customers.  To keep them as Microsoft customers.  And thus adding new ones.

A separate bunch of glue sniffers are belly aching because Microsoft won’t tell them what went wrong when Live crashed.  Well DUH!  Microsoft is not going to release that information.  Am I curious about it?  Hell yes I am. I’d love to have a full understanding of the specifics. And so would SONY.  That’s right, the competition.  Microsoft is in business.  They are not going to release anything that could possibly give their competitors an advantage.  So stop asking what went wrong.  They won’t tell you. Maybe some of you should pause right here for a moment to think about what I just said.  You could also use the break to pick some of the glue boogers from your nose.

 So that brings us back to the moronic lawsuit.  Who was actually harmed by Microsoft? It was an equipment failure.  It happens.  When is the last time you sued the power company when your electric went off?  I’m thinking you can live without XBL longer than your heat.  How about your cable service?  Anyone here ever sue your cable provider when you lost service?  What’s your argument here?  “Well, your cable lines shouldn’t have been so close to the road.  You should have known a drunk driver could have wiped them out.” If you have cable broadband internet in your home I’m sure you pay a minimum of $40 a month.  Ever lose your internet for a day or two?  Sure you have.  And did you sue.  Hell no, you didn’t. Get real people.  Be honest.  The reason this suit was filed is because it involves Microsoft.  You think they owe you because you lost a few days playing Halo 3 in a trash talking glue stupor. Microsoft has offered everyone a free arcade game.  It’s not a bad deal.  I downloaded it.  It’s an ok game.  Personally I would have preferred to get 400 MS points.  But no big deal.  They offered the game and I took it.  Microsoft has made a reasonable offer to us in this regard.  I suggest you guys take the game and shut up.  I wonder if our impaired plaintiffs or their attorney bothered to read the EULA for XBL before filing their suit. They agreed to it when they signed up for XBL.  The part about service or network disruptions may apply in this case.  How much do you want to bet that these goofs downloaded the free game?  I hope they did.  Here’s why.  In court it’s possible that the act of downloading the free game could be construed as the 3 dim wits accepting Microsoft’s offer of settlement.  Bye bye law suit.  Wouldn’t that be a hoot?!

While I do accept Microsoft’s peace offering I think they could have done a little better. We have three gamers with their own Gamer Tags at my house. That’s 3 accounts we pay to maintain. We got one silly arcade game for the 3 of us. Honestly, I played this game for less than an hour and the kids aren’t interested in it at all. Why would they be? They are still enamored with Halo 3. It’s probably not the best settlement they could have have offered. It would have served Microsoft well to give all accounts a few hundred MS points. That way we could spend them in the market place on content of our choosing.

 So I guess it’s time to bring my agitated rant to a close.  I’ll do it by suggesting to all the glue sniffing whiners that they just drop this issue.  Most of us are tired of hearing it. Or reading it.  Your story is an old one. And please stop hating and feeling entitled. You are but a symptom of what ails this country.  By the way, it may also be a good idea to slow down on the glue sniffing.  You could try switching to Rubber Cement Light if you can’t quit entirely.  And the next time XBL goes down, try spending the time with family and loved ones instead of bitching up a storm and filing lawsuits.  They’ll be shocked but happy to see that you pried your butt off the couch for something more than taking a leak or grabbing a beer.

EULA Check it out. This is the legal mumbo jumbo no one ever reads.

     I have to start off by saying this is an incredible game.  The addiction it has inflicted on my rather limited psyche is amazing.  I have spent more time on this game than any other.  It was a Christmas gift and was on a short list of items that I wanted to get for Christmas.  My excitement at that time was moderate at best.  I’ve learned not to get too excited about new games too quickly.  Especially based on previews from some of our gaming mags and web sites.  But that is it’s own topic worthy of it’s own post here.

     So I started to play Mass Effect a couple days after Christmas.  And the hook was set almost right away.  I really got into the world or “worlds” so to speak.  That was obvious to me today as I checked my time spent playing this game.  Over 120 hours and counting.  Every time I go through the game again I find new things and new dialogue.  I’m working on my 6th play-through.  That alone says how much I like this game.  But there is a down side to playing the game so much.  The little flaws in the game just nag at me more and more.

 The biggest gripe I have is the LOOOOONG elevator rides.  The game is loaded with elevators.  And they all take forever.  It’s been suggested by some that they may be load screens.  I don’t think that is the case.  Any other load screen in the game actually says it’s loading. Or saving, or whatever.  But not the elevators.  During some of the trips up or down some of the characters have a short dialogue.  Some of it is mildly amusing.  Some of the rides include news flashes about your galactic escapades.  This leads me to believe that the developers knew the rides were too long and decided to give us something to listen to on some of trips.  Here’s an idea.  Make them shorter next time!  In case you were curious as to the worst elevator ride I’ll give you my opinion.  It’s the lift that goes from the middle deck to the lower deck of your own ship, the Normandy.  It’s only one deck and it is slow.   Sooooo slow.  Agonizingly slow.  You can see wall tiles creeping by as you descend into the bowels of your craft.  I find this excruciating.  There is no reason for it.  Why should there even be an elevator here?  We have some handy and much quicker steps that lead from the main deck to the middle deck. What’s wrong with steps?  If the development team insists on elevators why couldn’t they make them work more like the Citadel Transit system?  Those load screens seem to go much faster than the elevators.  Many times when you finish enduring one of those lengthy descents you feel a sense of relief at reaching the bottom and exiting the elevator. And then BANG…. It hits you.  A load screen. After only a few steps from the elevator.  Just one more question for the development team.  Do you really think we, as gamers, enjoy these long rides?  What is their purpose?  Ok, that was two questions.  You’d think elevators in the 22nd or 23rd century would be faster than those in the 21st.  After all, if we have space craft that are capable of “faster than light” travel, one really should be able to expect a faster friggin’ elevator!

     The graphics in this game are good.  In my opinion some of the best in a 360 game.  Why bother with adding options like playing with film grain and motion blur?  I have encountered no one that likes playing with these options turned on.  I suppose it’s not that big a deal since you can turn them off if you like.  Probably the thing that agitates me the most about having these options included in the game is that it took valuable time and resources away from things that mattered a lot more. Like making the damn elevator rides shorter!

     And now a word about the combat.  It really is pretty good.  Very good when you consider this game is not only a shooter.  The biggest agitation here is that sometimes in the heat of battle things get a little blurry and confused. Choppy is a good word to describe it.  It’s not that horrible but I thought it was worth mentioning.  Combat in the Mako is pretty cool but I have had trouble with getting the vehicle to stay still to make a shot.  Sometimes that thing has a mind of it’s own and begins to move forward or backward all by itself.  At times it seems downright possessed!  I don’t want to be too quick to blame this on the game.  Maybe it’s possible that my controller has seen so much action that the left analog stick doesn’t always return to center when I release it.  I’d be interested to know if anyone else has had this issue.

     Moving on to the next major agitation regarding this game.  It involves the Mako and some of the impossible terrain on some of the planets on which you drive it.  What’s the point in making mountains so steep you can’t drive up them?  Oh, there’s always a way up, don’t get me wrong.  I just don’t like having to drive around trying to find it.  This game takes long enough to complete without this waste of time.  And for what?  Some mineral deposit or ancient artifact on top of a mountain?  There is generally no challenge in actually obtaining the item.  I see no point in making the trip to get these things so difficult in some cases.  If you want to make this a challenge just give us more Geth or Krogans to shoot in these areas.  It’s NOT fun to drive on this terrain.  It’s just not.  Here’s an idea.  Let’s spend less time on concocting ridiculously tough topography and more time on making the damn elevator rides shorter!

Next…  The planets.  Why are there so many planets in the game that offer nothing to the game?  They are just there.  You should at least be able to explore them.  I realize the game probably would not fit on one disk if all the worlds were explorable.  But there are so many planets that have no impact on the game play.  You can’t even scan them. It’s not an option.  There should be something on each of them.  Some debris in orbit of minor value.  An abandoned ship maybe?  How about some sort of resource? Next time maybe the developers could include something on each planet to find.  Or at least in it’s orbit.  Here’s an idea.  Plant a few ambushes in orbit.  Wouldn’t it be cool if we could have a few short ship vs. ship space battles?  Nothing huge.  I would liken to something along the lines of the AC-130 Spectre gunship in COD4.  It’s a small part of the game but it’s awesome and I’m glad it was there.  What’s wrong with springing a few Geth or even Reaper ships on us as we enter orbit around some unexplored world?

I would be remiss if I stopped my griping here.  There are other issues and they  are relatively minor but do warrant mentioning.  The first is the armor for the male characters.  Does anyone else think that some of these armor sets seem a bit feminine?  I’m talking about the buttocks area in particular.  Some of them look like the Commander is wearing girly panties over his armor.  I suggest more manly looking armor the next time around.  The second minor issue I feel compelled to include here also involves another matter of femininity.  I think the commander looks a bit light in the loafers as he prances around uncharted worlds.  It’s not a sashay or anything like that but it surely looks a bit fruity to me.

 So, I’ve spent a lot of effort bashing the things I don’t like about this title.  I feel the need to reiterate that I think this game is fabulous.  I rate it on my personal scale as a 9.  In my mind I have never played a 10.  To me a 10 doesn’t exist.  A 10 means perfection.  I’ve never seen a perfect game.  There aren’t any.  This one comes close.  As close as any I’ve seen.  It is my hope that someone with the power to correct the things that I have outlined in this post will read it and implement a few changes.  Just a few tweaks.  That’s all I’m asking for.  Word has it that there are 2 more installments of Mass Effect coming.  If instituted, the changes I am suggesting would make this game ever so much closer to the unattainable 10.  They just need to make the damn elevator rides shorter and add a few more stair cases for Pete’s sake!

Welcome to The Agitated Gamer.

We are simply a blog with multiple contributors discussing video games (really blazing new trails here) at the moment. However, we have plans to add many more features in the future.   For the time being, hopefully we will have some interesting reading.  Check back later!

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